


Take My Heart

by McFluri (Weisel)



Category: Tales of Vesperia
Genre: Blood, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-21 15:07:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18704794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weisel/pseuds/McFluri
Summary: Yuri leaves the knights and everything falls apart.Pre-Game, Canon-Divergent.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE take note of the tags before reading! I STRONGLY suggest skipping this fic if you struggle with any of the subjects tagged.
> 
> I consider this to be my therapy writing, where I give myself the chance to process my own experiences. I know it’s especially upsetting when issues like these are misrepresented in fiction, so let me say this: I drew from my own experiences. I’m not making up some fake mental health issues for extra angst. This is a subject I’m intimately familiar with.

Flynn was always better. Always stronger. Always faster. Smarter. Kinder. Everything. He was better in every way imaginable, and Yuri could never hope to compare. He’d never be as good as Flynn. He tried and tried, but Flynn was always a step ahead.

_You’ll never be good enough, Yuri. Never._

Yuri stopped trying shortly after joining the knights. It became apparent that he was only holding Flynn back, and Flynn didn’t deserve to have dead weight dragging him down. Flynn had so much potential, so much drive, so much life. Flynn was everything Yuri wanted to be. 

_You’ll only get in the way. Leave. Flynn’s worth it. He’s worth everything._

_You’re worth nothing._

Without warning, Yuri quit the knights and returned to the Lower Quarter. He hadn’t told Flynn why, but who was he to think he even deserved Flynn’s time? As painful as it was to walk away, this was all for the best. He’d never be good enough for Flynn, anyway. He didn’t deserve any of the secretive smiles Flynn gave him sometimes when they were around each other. He didn’t deserve any of those small, affectionate touches on his arm Flynn would give him when they walked past each other. He didn’t deserve anything from Flynn.

_Because you’re worthless. Absolutely worthless._

_Flynn is everything. You’re nothing._

_Worthless._

Yuri wanted to hate Flynn, but it was downright impossible. As much as he’d fought against the feeling, he loved Flynn. Yuri loved him more than life itself. Flynn was everything he wanted, and everything he’d never deserve.

_You’ll never be worthy of love, especially not from him._

_Worthless._

Every day that passed without seeing Flynn hurt more than the last. Yuri’s chest ached and he barely managed to speak to anyone else. Someone would ask if he’d heard from Flynn lately, and all he could do was shrug in response. The letters from Flynn sat unopened in his room. He didn’t deserve them.

_Because you’re worthless._

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

Days began to blur together. Yuri’s only perception of time became Flynn’s weekly letters.

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

Someone started leaving meals for him by the door. Sometimes Yuri ate. Notes were pinned to the door, and others were slipped under it. Yuri never read them.

_Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless._

The word became a sort of mantra. He heard it with every breath he took, quietly at first, but it grew louder as the days went by until it was the only thing he could hear.

_Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless._

Yuri tried to write to Flynn once and only once. He wanted to tell him that he was losing himself, but the only thing his pen would write out was a single phrase.

_“Flynn, I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless. I’m worthless.”_

Every time he woke up, the weight in his chest felt heavier and heavier. Slowly but surely, he was suffocating.

_This is what you deserve, Yuri. Because you’re worthless._

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

“Yuri?”


	2. Chapter 2

Something was wrong with Yuri. Flynn knew that much from Hanks’ letters. Beyond that, he couldn’t say. His worry grew and left him feeling sick every time he received an update. When it became too much, he begged for a day off to go see Yuri. To hell with his record and reputation. Yuri was more important.

No one stopped Flynn to talk to him when he arrived in the Lower Quarter. He received greetings as he briskly walked toward the inn, but everyone seemed to know better than to hold him up. That had to mean everyone knew Yuri wasn’t doing well, not just Hanks and a few others who were close.

What was going on with Yuri?

Flynn picked up his pace and took the stairs two at a time up to Yuri’s room. A basket of food sat outside the door, and the door itself was plastered with papers. Some of them were simple memos asking Yuri to get in touch and wishing him well. Some were invitations to come over for dinner or other similar offers. Some were drawings from the children. There was even an envelope containing a few coins tacked above the doorknob.

Flynn’s stomach did a panicked flip and he felt sick. Just how long had this been going on? What was wrong with Yuri? What if he wasn’t even alive anymore?

The fear of such a possibility gave Flynn the strength to break open the door. He threw it open, sending the broken lock skidding across the floor.

“Yuri?”

Maybe it was just his fears getting the best of him, but the room seemed more like a dusty tomb than a living space somehow. There was a stuffiness to it that hadn’t been there before.

Flynn’s eyes immediately darted to the figure lying on the bed. It was Yuri, but not the version he remembered. This Yuri was unkempt, unmoving, lifeless…

Flynn stepped forward, fearing the worst.

“Yuri?” he said again and placed a hand on Yuri’s arm. “Yuri, please tell me you’re awake.”

Yuri’s shoulder moved slightly and he let out a slow exhale. Flynn could have cried in relief. Yuri was alive. He was alive and Flynn would make sure he fixed whatever was wrong.

“Yuri, what’s wrong? Are you sick?”

Yuri opened his eyes, but he didn’t say a word. His gaze was unfocused and hazy. Flynn had never seen that look on Yuri’s face before.

“Everyone’s really worried about you. Someone even left money to help pay for a doctor.” Flynn swallowed hard. Seeing Yuri this way felt more like an awful dream than reality. “Yuri, let’s get a doctor to come see you and figure out what’s wrong, and we’ll get you back to your old self, alright?”

Still, Yuri didn’t reply. Dread filled Flynn’s stomach like lead.

“Say something, Yuri. Please…” If Yuri just said something, anything, then everything would turn out alright.

He waited, but Yuri said nothing.

Flynn clenched his fists and tried to stay calm. Making a scene never changed Yuri’s mind. He glanced around, then spotted a stack of letters on the dresser. He picked them up and leafed through the unopened envelopes. All of them were from him. 

“I was wondering if these got to you. I’m surprised you didn’t read any of them. Guess you weren’t too eager to hear about the knights, huh?” he said, trying to keep his tone light despite his deep worry. He opened the first envelope he’d sent and pulled out the letter, then began to read it aloud. 

“Dear Yuri, I hope everyone’s doing well back home. I’d visit if I could, but of course you know why I can’t. I remember you worrying about everyone in the Lower Quarter when we first joined the knights. I couldn’t help but think it’s so like you to worry about everyone else but yourself. Send everyone my regards and keep the kids out of trouble. Can’t have them terrorizing the streets like we used to do, right?”

Flynn glanced up from the letter. Still, no response from Yuri. He took a deep breath and opened the second letter. 

“Dear Yuri, I have good news— I’ll be relocated soon to Zaphias to work in the castle! I won’t be able to visit the Lower Quarter much, but you can come see me when I’m off duty. I promise that as soon as I can, I’ll stop by and get lunch with you at the Comet. You can get me caught up on everything. Hanks has kept me posted on most of what’s going on back home, but it’s more fun when you tell me. It’s just not the same without you around. I’ll write to you again as soon as I’m in Zaphias.”

Still, Yuri remained silent and unmoving. Flynn continued on with the next letter. 

“Dear Yuri, I’m back in Zaphias now! I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit the Lower Quarter yet, so please come by the castle sometime to say hello. It’s been a while, and I have to admit, I actually kind of miss cleaning up after you now. That’s probably a sign of extreme Yuri-deficiency, right?”

Flynn looked up from the letter with a slight smile, but it faded away only a moment later. This wasn’t working, but he didn’t know what else to do right now. He opened the next letter.

“Dear Yuri, I’m starting to get worried about you. Hanks said you haven’t really been yourself lately, and I still haven’t heard back from you. Maybe you think I’m mad at you for leaving the knights, but I’m not. Of course I wish you were here, but I trust you’re doing what you feel is right. Please write back to me soon. I miss you.”

Flynn didn’t look up this time and went on to read the next letter. 

“Dear Yuri, I’m getting really worried now. Hanks told me all of my letters have been delivered to you, so I can only try to guess what’s going on. He says you hardly even talk anymore and thinks you might be sick. I’d take you to a doctor myself if I could. If you need money to go see one, I’ll pay for it. Please write back soon. I really miss you.”

Flynn struggled to keep his voice even and his hands trembled slightly as he opened the last envelope.

“Dear Yuri, I’ll finally be able to visit the Lower Quarter in a few days. I’ll spend the whole day with you if you want. Hanks says you barely come out of your room anymore and that you won’t let anyone take you to a doctor. He says it’s like you can’t even hear anyone anymore. I won’t lie, this is starting to really scare me. I hope you’re just ignoring my letters because you’re mad at me or something. Every other possible reason I’ve come up with would mean that you’re not okay, and I’d take the silent treatment if it meant you were alright. If I did something to upset you, please forgive me. I really, really miss you. You’ve been more than just my best friend all these years, and it’s starting to hurt when I think about you. Please be okay, Yuri. I love you.”

Flynn took a steadying breath and looked up. His heart skipped a beat like he’d missed the last step on a flight of stairs. Yuri was now sitting on the edge of the bed with his head ducked down. He looked so worn out and weak, like someone had sucked out every last ounce of energy from the vibrant young man he’d once been. 

“Yuri—“ Flynn set aside the letters and watched Yuri closely. He’d give anything to see Yuri’s chapped lips curve up into a smirk or receive one of Yuri’s clever insults. “Please, say something. Anything,” he quietly pleaded. “Tell me I’m an idiot for worrying about you, that you can take care of yourself. Tell me I’m stupid for staying with the knights. I don’t care what you say to me, just say  _ something.” _

Yuri’s lips parted. Flynn held his breath. 

“There’s something I need to give you,” Yuri said. His voice was quiet and rough, as though it had become rusty without use. “You deserve it more than I do. I… I don’t deserve anything.”

Flynn took a tentative step closer. “What are you talking about?” he asked. His throat felt tight and he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something he was missing, something terribly wrong.

Yuri slowly reached for the dresser and slid out a dagger from beneath a pile of wrinkled papers. He held it in front of him, the handle pointed toward Flynn. It looked like an ordinary dagger, and Flynn had no memories of this one in particular.

“What…?” he asked hesitantly.

“Take my heart,” Yuri rasped. “It’s yours.”

Flynn opened his mouth to question Yuri further, but his mind froze. His brain refused to process the horror happening right before his eyes until the blade entered Yuri’s chest a second time.

_ “Yuri! Stop it! Stop!” _

Flynn tried to rip the dagger out of Yuri’s hands, fumbling in his panic, and the stained blade clattered to the floor. He knelt down and held Yuri close, pressing one shaking hand over Yuri’s bleeding wounds.

_ “Holy power, c-come—” _ Flynn choked out. He felt like he was going to be sick.  _ “First Aid!” _

Blood poured from Yuri’s chest and seeped between Flynn’s fingers in thick streams. There was so much blood,  _ too _ much blood. It soaked through Flynn’s clothes and warmed his skin in a way that made his stomach turn and head spin. He couldn’t let himself vomit, though. He had to keep trying.

_ “Holy power, come! First Aid!” _ The words tore through his throat as a scream.

Yuri’s weight sank forward against Flynn. The weight reminded him of a fallen comrade he’d once carried out of a battle. Dead weight.

_ “Holy power, come! First Aid!” _

He held Yuri tightly against his chest and sobbed.

“Yuri! Don’t die!  _ Please! Holy power, come! First Aid!” _

Flynn squeezed his eyes shut and cried out the spell over and over, clinging to the hope that it would somehow be enough. The words blurred into one desperate scream as he was pulled away from Yuri’s body and urgent voices surrounded him. Still, he didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. What if one more try would make Yuri’s eyes open again?

Several hands held him down, more hands than he could keep track of or fight off. He couldn’t see Yuri anymore. Too many bodies were in the way. 

_ “Yuri! Wake up! Yuri! Yuri!” _

He screamed Yuri’s name, even after he was dragged out of the room. He tried to break free to get back inside, and he was pulled down to his knees. Hanks knelt in front of him and held him by the shoulders. He was saying something, but Flynn couldn’t hear a word. People hurried in and out the door. Hanks kept talking. Flynn refused to stop screaming out healing spells until they took Yuri’s limp body out of the room. 

They took Yuri away. They took Yuri away from him and there was nothing he could do now. 

Flynn was pulled up onto his feet, but his legs refused to support his weight and he fell back down onto his knees. His stomach twisted and he abruptly bent over to vomit. Blood, Yuri’s blood, dripped from his clothes and coated his hands. Flynn heaved again. He was covered in blood, blood that never should have left Yuri’s body, blood that should be flowing through Yuri’s veins and keeping him alive.

Yuri was… No, no, he couldn’t be. He couldn’t be.

Flynn’s empty stomach lurched again and he gagged. The image of Yuri cutting into his own chest played over and over in his mind, but his body seemed to keep trying to physically reject what had just happened. This couldn’t be reality. This had to be a nightmare.

“Wake up,” he whimpered. “Wake up, please…”

He closed his eyes and weakly wept as he was helped back up onto his feet again.

This wasn’t a nightmare. This was reality. Yuri was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

After his initial panic, Flynn found himself numbly running on autopilot. He scrubbed Yuri’s blood off his skin, then washed it out of his clothes. The water ran red for so long that he’d almost forgotten it was supposed to be clear. He returned to his post in the castle and worked restlessly. As long as he kept moving, he could keep going. If he stopped, he might not find the will to start again.

Time drifted by in a haze. Every day felt like a year, and yet Flynn hardly noticed the week passing by. Even when he was talking to someone, he was only hearing words automatically coming from his own mouth, always muffled through a hum of white noise. Food no longer had any taste, and physical pain became so faint that he often forgot he could feel anything at all. His own body seemed to be miles away from his mind, and his mind was stuck in a thick fog. 

He couldn’t keep living like this. But what choice did he have? Nothing would ever be the same again. There was no going back, no matter how much he ached for the past. The only thing he could do was keep moving forward.

That only worked for about a week before Flynn collapsed from exhaustion in the middle of a shift. Apparently his body still had its limitations, even if he didn’t notice the warning signs. After receiving some basic treatment as well as a medical evaluation, he was ordered to rest until he was fit to resume his duties. The sympathetic looks his senior officers gave him left him feeling sick. It only made everything too real and brought back the awful ache in his chest. Before long, everyone was giving him those looks. He could barely breathe anymore. 

He had to get out of the castle.

Flynn informed his superior that he’d be going to the Lower Quarter to rest at home and would return once his condition had improved, then left immediately. The walk wasn’t far, but with every step came an assault to his senses. The sweet smell of fresh bread made him want to gag, a display of bright colors stung his eyes, and every voice in the crowd around him echoed painfully in his skull. His breath became shallow and his vision began to darken at the edges. He stumbled to a bench and sat down, holding his head in his hands and staring at the ground faintly spinning below. He couldn’t tell if he was going to faint or throw up.

“Flynn?”

He raised his head slightly and saw a little boy running toward him. “Oh, hey, Ted,” he said as evenly as he could while trembling from head to toe.

“Hanks sent me to tell you to go talk to him,” the boy said, stopping a few feet in front of Flynn. “It’s about Yuri.”

Flynn took a shuddering breath and his voice dropped to a low murmur. “What about him?”

“I dunno.”

“Where is he?” Flynn asked, slowly standing up. His legs felt weak and his hair stuck to his sweaty forehead.

“He’s still at Hanks’ house.”

Flynn’s mouth went dry and he struggled to swallow. How much time had passed? What were they even doing with Yuri’s body? “Hanks,” he said hoarsely. “I meant Hanks. Where is Hanks?”

“He’s at his house with Yuri.”

His body automatically walked forward. The world seemed to move around him as he stared ahead, unable to think. He didn’t even notice the boy matching his pace directly to his left. The shrill ringing in his ears grew louder, screaming over every other sound. After what felt like hours, Flynn reached Hanks’ front door. He leaned forward against it and tried to simply breathe as cold sweat dripped down his neck.

After a long moment, a small voice caught his attention. “I think we can just go inside.”

Flynn looked down to see Ted peering up at him uncertainly. “Y-Yeah.”

He turned the doorknob and stepped inside. Everything looked so familiar, but he felt like he didn’t belong here.

“Hanks! I brought Flynn!” Ted announced.

“Thanks. Come to the kitchen, Flynn. Ted, you can go home now,” Hanks called back.

“Okay. Bye, Flynn!” Ted said and hurried back outside.

Flynn barely remembered how to breathe as he slowly approached the kitchen. “What…?” The question died on his lips. He had no idea what to ask Hanks. His mind felt empty. He sat down at the table before his knees could give out under him.

Hanks sat down as well across from Flynn. “I told you I’d keep you updated about Yuri, remember?”

“Yes,” Flynn automatically said. He didn’t remember a single word Hanks had said to him since…

“Well, he woke up today.”

Flynn’s heart stopped for a second and he stared at Hanks in shock.

“He didn’t say anything and wasn’t awake for long, but he opened his eyes at least.”

“Wh… Hanks, what are you saying?” Flynn asked, his voice catching in his throat.

“I’m saying that Yuri’s starting to pull through.”

Flynn knocked over his chair as he sprinted out of the room and up the stairs. He shoved open the first bedroom door and saw Yuri’s still body lying on the bed. For a moment, he relived the memory of doing the same thing at the inn only a matter of days ago. He fell to his knees beside the bed and felt Yuri’s neck for a pulse.

Beneath his own blood pounding through his veins, he felt a weak heartbeat that seemed to trip over itself every so often. Yuri was alive.

Flynn clutched Yuri’s arm and collapsed against the bed, then dissolved into sobs of relief. Yuri was  _ alive. _ Yuri was alive, and Flynn could finally breathe. 

“Don’t ever leave me like that again, Yuri. Please…” Flynn shut his eyes tight and squeezed Yuri’s hand. When he finally found the strength to pull himself up off the floor, he sat on the bed against the headboard and cradled Yuri in his arms.  _ “Holy power, come…” _

He knew better than to expect the most simple healing arte to heal Yuri’s wounds, but Flynn clung to that hope regardless. There was nothing else he could do. He whispered the spell over and over through his tears. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes he choked on his words too much to make the magic come through. He finally stopped once he’d drained all his energy and exhaustion took over.

When Flynn opened his eyes again, he was surprised to find himself in the bedroom at Hanks’ house instead of the knights’ quarters in the castle. He’d had a strange dream, but no, if that wasn’t a dream—

“Yuri!” He looked over to see Yuri’s pale face tucked against a worn out pillow.

Yuri stirred slightly and made a tiny sound that might’ve been a whimper, then slowly opened his eyes.

“Yuri! Oh, god, Yuri—” Tears spilled down Flynn’s cheeks as he kissed every inch of Yuri’s face he could reach, gingerly placing his hand on the side of Yuri’s head. “I thought I’d lost you,” he whispered. “Please,  _ please… _ Don’t try to leave me like that again. I can’t take that kind of pain a second time. Don’t make me go on through life without you. Please…”

Yuri didn’t look at Flynn. He wasn’t really looking at anything, though. His gaze was set to somewhere far beyond the walls of the room. 

“We’ll figure out what’s wrong and you’ll be okay again. I’ll stay by your side the whole time until you’re better, even if it takes the rest of my life, even if it means leaving the knights.” Flynn’s heart beat frantically and desperation seeped into his words. “It doesn’t mean anything if you’re not here to keep our promise, Yuri. You can’t leave. I can’t do this alone.” He sat up and held Yuri in his arms. Yuri’s head weakly fell against Flynn’s shoulder. “Please don’t hurt yourself again. Please…” His hold on Yuri tightened and he pressed his face against Yuri’s hair, squeezing his eyes shut. Hot tears streamed down Flynn’s face and he took a shaky breath. “Yuri, why would you do that to yourself?” he asked, his voice breaking. “I just want to understand why… God, Yuri… Why?  _ Why?” _

Yuri’s only response was a weak grunt and he closed his eyes.

“Please, Yuri, don’t give up on me, please…”

Flynn tried to calm himself down with another string of healing spells while stroking Yuri’s hair. Yuri seemed to drift off to sleep again not long after, his breath slow and uneven.

Yuri was breathing. Yuri was breathing, and that was all Flynn could ask for right now.


	4. Chapter 4

Yuri wasn’t dead, but he wasn’t exactly alive, either.

He couldn’t walk on his own, the simplest tasks left him winded, and he never had the energy to say more than maybe a word or two.

Flynn could hardly stand to watch his friend like this, and the next week felt more like a year. This was the same person who had never once given him an easy win and could always get under his skin with a single sentence. Now, Yuri was a shell of someone he could barely recognize.

What could have changed Yuri so much in so little time?

“Yuri?” Flynn asked after helping Yuri eat his breakfast. Yuri wouldn’t feed himself, but he was too tired to fight off Flynn’s assistance.

Yuri only gave a small grunt in reply.

“Can you promise me something?” He held Yuri against his chest while halfway reclined against the headboard of the bed. Yuri’s hands were always cold now, and Flynn felt selfish if he wasn’t sharing his body heat. “Can you promise me you won’t kill yourself? Please?”

Yuri stayed silent and only closed his eyes.

Flynn shook his head slightly. “Yuri, you have to promise me,” he said tightly. “I  _ need _ you to. Please, Yuri.”

Flynn let an entire minute of silence pass, but Yuri never responded. A selfish part of him ached to shout at Yuri until he got the answer he wanted, but he knew better than to act on the impulse. Instead, he got up from the bed and helped Yuri to his feet.

“Come on, let’s get you washed up,” Flynn said, trying to ignore the look of exasperated fatigue he recieved.

Aside from occasional spot cleaning with a wet rag, Yuri hadn’t properly bathed since… the incident. Now that Flynn thought about it, he didn’t know how recently Yuri had bathed before then, either. Yuri’s hair was now clumped together in greasy locks and his skin had an oily, sickly sheen. Even if hygiene wasn’t their biggest concern right now, Flynn reasoned that it wouldn’t hurt and maybe Yuri would feel a little better afterward.

After preparing a hot bath, Flynn helped Yuri into the tub. Even if Yuri would stubbornly resist any care, he’d quickly run out of steam and give in, so getting him into the water wasn’t particularly difficult. Of course, seeing the tired shame on Yuri’s face wasn’t exactly easy, either.

Flynn gave Yuri’s shoulder a comforting squeeze. “Come on, Yuri. I know you’d do the same for me. Now let me wash your hair.”

Even if Yuri didn’t protest, Flynn knew he was displeased with this arrangement. Still, he didn’t let that stop him. All of this was for Yuri’s own good, and no amount of pouting was going to stop Flynn.

“To be honest, I’ve kind of wanted to try washing your hair since you let it grow out so long,” Flynn admitted. Maybe he was just imagining things, but he could have sworn Yuri resisted a little less when Flynn tipped his head back and poured water over his dark hair. “You know, I was always impressed how well you could fight with all this hair getting in your face. I think I’d get my ass kicked if I even let my bangs grow out a little too long,” he chuckled. “But I guess that’s just how you are, huh? You make everything look easy and manage to look cool doing just about anything. I might be a little jealous.”

Yuri’s mouth twitched and Flynn hoped it was a hint of a smile.

Flynn’s heart jumped a little at the thought of making Yuri smile. Maybe, just maybe, he could get a smile out of him today. He lathered up Yuri’s hair with soap and scrubbed his scalp. “Once you’re feeling better, I bet you could beat me in a matter of seconds. It’s been long enough that I’ve lost my tolerance to your coolness,” he said with a grin.

Yuri huffed quietly. It could’ve been a laugh if he was in better shape. If crossing the line between teasing and flirting was what it took to cheer him up, Flynn would push past his insecurities and let a few more thoughts pass through his mental filter.

“Not that I was ever immune to it. Your moves are always distracting,” Flynn continued, his cheeks growing warm. “Then again, who  _ couldn’t _ be distracted by your techniques? You’re an amazing fighter. And, you know, just very attractive in general. That’s certainly a deadly combination.”

He watched Yuri for a response but got none. Maybe he’d gone too far. Flynn cleared his throat and began to rinse Yuri’s hair. “Promise me we’ll get a fair fight again sometime,” he said quietly, though it was more a command than a request.

Yuri said nothing. Flynn couldn’t be sure if it was a refusal or just Yuri’s usual stubbornness.

Once Yuri’s hair was clean and somewhat untangled, Flynn wrapped a towel around Yuri’s head, more to keep him from getting cold than to help his hair dry. Yuri of course made no move to keep washing himself up, so Flynn picked up a washcloth and began to wash Yuri’s face. With enough scrubbing, Yuri’s skin became soft and tinged pink. Flynn continued down Yuri’s neck, across his shoulders, and carefully over the wounds on his chest. He got so caught up in scrubbing Yuri clean from head to toe that he finished without another word or even an upward glance. A whispered sob caught his attention as he wrung out the washcloth. He looked over and furrowed his eyebrows. Yuri was slumped forward with his forehead resting against the edge of the tub.

“Yuri, what’s wrong?”

Yuri didn’t answer, but that didn’t come as a surprise. Flynn wasn’t sure what to do, so he placed his hand on Yuri’s back in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. He tried to think of what might be upsetting Yuri. Maybe… Maybe being bathed was a bigger deal to Yuri than Flynn thought. He swallowed hard and glanced away, suddenly feeling the sinking weight of guilt in his stomach.

“Um, I can go change the sheets if you want to soak for a while longer,” Flynn offered.

Without looking at Flynn, Yuri gave a slight nod.

Flynn nodded as well and stood up, glancing away again. “I’ll come back with some clean clothes when I’m done.”

He left the bathroom, keeping the door open just a crack, and set to work on changing Yuri’s bedsheets. The task didn’t take long, so he took his time picking out clothes and then sat down on the freshly made bed and waited for the faint sound of Yuri’s sobs to stop.

But they didn’t. Instead, they began to sound more like wheezes. Flynn quickly stood up and rushed into the bathroom to find Yuri clutching to the edge of the tub and gasping for breath. He dropped the clothes on the floor and immediately lifted Yuri out of the bath. After hastily wrapping a towel around Yuri, he sat down on the floor and held Yuri in his arms. Even if this wasn’t the first instance, it still scared the hell out of Flynn to see Yuri like this.

“It’s okay, Yuri. Try to relax,” he said as calmly as he could manage.

Yuri remained tensed and he let out a breathless whimper.

Flynn adjusted his hold so Yuri’s head could comfortably rest against the crook of his neck. “Shh, don’t try to talk. Just try to relax. I’ve got you.” He rubbed his hand on Yuri’s back, willing away the tension there. “You can relax now. You’ve gotten through this before.”

Every episode felt like hours, but this time was especially bad. Flynn ended up helping Yuri dress and get into bed in the midst of it all to stop his shivering. Realistically, Flynn knew Yuri’s gasping breaths were calmer than when this started, but that didn’t erase his underlying panic. Yuri was suffering and all Flynn could do was watch. He watched and waited until he saw Yuri lift his hand, then picked up the nearby cup of water and brought it to Yuri’s lips. Flynn knew Yuri hated receiving help like this, but he was resisting it less and less.

Eventually, Yuri sat up and slouched forward. Flynn took the opportunity to comb out Yuri’s damp hair. Even if Yuri didn’t complain the entire time, he couldn’t have looked more defeated if he tried.

Flynn set aside the comb when he was done, then asked, “Can I get you anything?”

Yuri closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. “Dignity,” he replied hoarsely.

Flynn felt a painful pang in his chest at the bitterly spoken word. “Yuri, I don’t think less of you.  _ No one _ thinks less of you,” he said and sighed when Yuri shook his head. “Besides, all of this is just temporary, and I really don’t mind helping you until you feel better.”

“I’m not.”

Flynn blinked. “You’re not what?”

Yuri shook his head and took a few breaths before speaking again. “Feeling… better,” he panted.

Witnessing Yuri budget his breath left Flynn feeling like he was suffocating a little as well. He took a shallow breath of his own. “Not even a little since…?”

Yuri shook his head again and he let himself collapse against the mattress.

Flynn hesitated. Yuri’s wounds were healing, he’d gained back a little bit of weight, and a proper bath left him looking much healthier than before. That had to feel like  _ some _ kind of improvement, didn’t it? “What’s not getting better?” he asked.

Yuri raised a hand and vaguely gestured, but Flynn immediately understood. Even if the both of them were better at handling the episodes now, they still came on just as easily as before. “I can’t… take this…”

Flynn clenched his jaw and looked away. The doctor had said Yuri’s heart might not get any stronger, but he hadn’t let himself think too much about that possibility. This was Yuri. He was hardy and could pull through anything. That’s how it had always been, so why would it change now?

No, he was being childish by refusing to think about this rationally. Yuri’s heart really might not be able to work well enough anymore, and that was reality. Flynn closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, irritated with himself for being immature about something so important.

What had the doctor said? Something about scar tissue… Scar tissue in the heart, too much scar tissue… Too much scar tissue meant the heart couldn’t pump blood properly. Some intermediate healing artes could help rebuild the body without leaving scars, but even advanced healing artes couldn’t change scar tissue once it formed. Though if it was possible, it was a service that certainly wouldn’t come cheap.

So Yuri’s heart was too scarred to pump enough blood, which meant that there wasn’t enough functional muscle tissue remaining. They couldn’t replace any tissue, but maybe… maybe they could strengthen the remaining muscle. And perhaps…

Flynn rushed over to a small dresser and pulled out his bodhi blastia, then returned to the bed and put the blastia on Yuri for him. Within moments, Yuri’s breath deepened.

Flynn sighed and sank down on the bed beside him, hoping he’d really found an easy fix. Yuri groaned in what had to be relief, and Flynn glanced down at him. Yuri’s eyes were closed and his mouth hung open as he took in large gasps of air, and something uncomfortable made itself known in Flynn’s abdomen followed by the weight of guilt. The expression was so similar to the ones he’d seen on Yuri during fights before that had left him feeling restless and embarrassed, but reacting that way now was downright shameful. Yuri had been struggling to breathe for the better half of a month, and his mind had to go  _ there. _

Flynn clasped his hands together and stared at the floor, silently scolding himself instead of listening to Yuri’s breath. He only looked over again when he felt the mattress shift. To his surprise, Yuri had sat up on his own. Even if he still looked tired, he didn’t seem nearly as weak. 

“Sorry I didn’t think of that sooner,” Flynn apologized. “You look a lot better now, at least.”

Yuri shrugged and lowered his gaze. “I’m not gonna keep this,” he mumbled. 

Flynn raised his eyebrows. “You need to keep it, Yuri. It clearly makes a difference.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” Flynn said, becoming irritated already. “You  _ have _ to. You’ve barely been able to breathe until now.”

“I don’t deserve it.” Yuri took off the blastia and handed it back to Flynn.

“Dammit, Yuri!” He forced the bodhi blastia back on Yuri, who immediately tried to remove it again. Flynn grit his teeth and grabbed Yuri’s wrists. “I’m not going to argue with you on this!”

They glared at each other for a long moment, and then Yuri tried to pull away.

“Stop it! Stop fighting me! I’m trying to  _ help _ you!”

“Then let me die!” Yuri yelled. 

Flynn panicked and forced Yuri down on the bed, his hands shaking. “Stop talking like that! Just  _ stop!” _

“You can’t hold me down forever,” Yuri panted, still resisting Flynn. 

“Yes, I can! And I will if I have to!”

There was a long moment where neither spoke, and then Yuri gave up the fight. He closed his eyes and released an exhausted sigh. “I’m not keeping it.”

Flynn held Yuri down just as tightly, fearful of what might happen if he let go. “You don’t have a choice, Yuri. I’m not going to let you kill yourself.”


	5. Chapter 5

“I’m so sorry, Yuri,” Flynn whispered. He’d been saying that all morning since he’d helped tie Yuri down. But this was what was best for Yuri. Even Hanks agreed. 

Flynn looked up, hoping for some kind of reassurance. Hanks, who was holding Yuri’s head still, gave him a nod. Everyone here, especially Yuri, was counting on him. 

He took a steadying breath, then pierced Yuri’s skin with the tip of the knife. Yuri flinched and weakly strained against all the hands holding him down.

“I have to do this,” Flynn said, both to himself and to Yuri, and carefully sliced a shallow curve into Yuri’s back. “It’s going to help, I promise. Just keep breathing, Yuri. Breathe.”

Yuri’s pained voice was impossible to ignore, but Flynn tried his best to tune out all sounds despite that as he worked. He couldn’t help but feel like he was torturing Yuri with every cautious incision. But if he rushed, he might cause Yuri more pain in the long run.

“Breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe.” His own voice faded into background noise. 

Time dragged on, and yet the next step of the procedure came all too soon.

Flynn readied his knife and slowly exhaled. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured.

He slid the knife under the edge of the circle and cut out the skin entirely. Yuri cried out, and Flynn knew it would have been much louder if he wasn’t so weak.

“I’m almost done, Yuri. It’s just for a moment longer,” Flynn said, his voice shaking. He set the blastia into the fresh wound and held it in place while casting healing spells. “First Aid” wasn’t much compared to other healing artes, but it was better than nothing.

Slowly, Yuri began to relax. The tense lines eased from his expression and his fingers uncurled from tight fists. The difference was slight, but Flynn could tell Yuri’s breath came easier already. The bodhi blastia was working.

Flynn kept casting until he was all out of magic, and then he was sent away to wash the blood off himself while Yuri was cleaned up and put back in bed. Only then did Flynn allow himself to succumb to the nausea and vomited until nothing came up with each heave. Once he could stand on his own two feet again, he relocated to the bedroom and dozed off slumped against the bed.

For the next day, Yuri slept. Flynn only left his side when absolutely necessary, alternating between resting and casting healing spells. Even then, he didn’t know if his healing artes worked. He’d place his hand over the blastia in Yuri’s back and try to will every word of magic through it, but there was no way of telling if his efforts made any difference. But as long as there was a chance, he’d try.

_ “Holy power, come—” _

“God, just shut up already.”

Flynn’s eyes flew open and he looked down. Yuri squinted back up at him.

“Yuri!”

“I’m right here, idiot.” Yuri closed his eyes again and frowned. “Had a dream you tortured me. Always knew you were secretly evil,” he grumbled.

“Oh,  _ Yuri, _ I’m—” Flynn shook his head to himself and struggled to voice what he was feeling. Finally, he could see the Yuri he knew and loved. He gave up on finding the right words and instead pressed a kiss to Yuri’s lips.

Yuri tensed in his arms. Flynn moved his lips to press another kiss on Yuri’s forehead, only to feel Yuri’s hands grab his shoulders and push him away.

“Sorry, I’m sorry.” Flynn drew back and his heart threatened to choke him. “I’m just— really relieved, that’s all.”

Yuri gave him a skeptical look, and Flynn realized he was crying. He opened his mouth to say it was nothing, only to let out a sob instead. He squeezed his eyes shut and leaned his head back against the wall, trying and failing to regain his composure. It wasn’t just relief overwhelming him; that had been a lie. Yuri’s rejection struck him harder than he’d expected, and that sent every other repressed emotion tumbling forward.

“Yuri,” Flynn choked out, “Yuri, please don’t leave me again, please,  _ please.” _ He squeezed Yuri’s hand. “I need you. I can’t keep moving forward if I don’t know you’re somewhere doing the same.” He took a shuddering breath. “I thought you were dead, and— everything was so meaningless—”

“I’m sorry.”

The words were so quiet that Flynn barely heard them. He quickly wiped at his eyes so he could look at Yuri. He didn’t particularly like letting anyone see him cry, but he wasn’t going to give Yuri the chance to think he wasn’t listening. He watched Yuri, waiting wordlessly. 

Minutes of silence passed, and not once did Yuri look up or make a sound. He only stared at an empty spot on the floor. When he did finally speak, Flynn nearly jumped and the quiet words rang loudly in his ears. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Yuri whispered as he put his head down in one hand. He let out a shaky exhale, and Flynn knew Yuri had started to cry. 

Flynn squeezed his hand again and whispered, “Yuri…”

“I don’t—“ Yuri shook his head to himself and let out a sound that could’ve been a laugh or a sob. “I don’t know, Flynn. I don’t fucking know.”


	6. Chapter 6

Yuri  _ did _ know. He knew exactly why he’d done everything, but he didn’t know how to explain it, at least not in a way Flynn would understand. 

Flynn’s hand came to gently rest on his knee in what was surely supposed to be a comforting gesture, but Yuri pushed it away. Even if Flynn didn’t say anything about it, Yuri could tell just how much it hurt him by the small hitch of breath. The dark weight in his chest twisted with sick delight. 

_ This is what I deserve. Flynn should hate me. I don’t deserve anything else from him.  _

Despite everything, Yuri’s heart ached and all he wanted was to feel Flynn’s hand on his knee again. But it didn’t return. 

“Are you mad at me?” Flynn asked hesitantly. 

_ Say yes. Say yes and sabotage yourself. Destroy it all. It’s what you deserve.  _

_ But I don’t want to… _

_ You’re selfish for not pushing him away. Flynn’s better off without you. Everyone’s better off without you. _

_ I don’t want to push him away. I can’t. I won’t. _

“...Yuri?”

Yuri didn’t answer. Two trains of thought fought for dominance, leaving him unable to speak. 

“Please, just tell me it’s something I did,” Flynn said, his voice weak. “Then I can fix it or leave you alone, whatever would help.”

Yuri withdrew his hand from Flynn’s hold and let it fall to his lap. His heart ached even more, but this was what he deserved. 

There was a long pause, and then Flynn quietly asked, “Do you want me to leave?” Even without looking, Yuri could see Flynn’s sad expression through his tone. 

_ Tell him to leave you alone. Forever. It’s what you deserve. Because you’re worthless. You’re worthless, Yuri.  _

Yuri shut his eyes tight and shook his head. He couldn’t ask Flynn to stay, but he could at least communicate this much. 

Flynn let out a slow exhale and shifted slightly on the bed. “Yuri, I know you’re not exactly… enthusiastic about physical contact right now, but could you just— please, just let me hold you.”

Yuri didn’t respond. 

“It’s— I’m being selfish about this, I know,” Flynn continued. “But I’m still— I keep thinking—“ he slowly exhaled again, though his breath shook this time. “I just need to  _ feel _ that you’re alive, alright?” He was pleading at this point. 

_ Refuse. Push him away. Make him hate you. You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve love. _

As if Flynn was the selfish one. All Yuri wanted was to hear Flynn say he loved him when he knew he didn’t deserve it. 

_ But… Flynn can’t actually love me.  _

“Please, Yuri,” Flynn begged quietly. His words seemed so desperate, and Yuri wished Flynn really felt as desperate as he sounded. 

_ This is why you don’t deserve love. You’re awful. You’re selfish. No one would care about you if they knew who you really are. You want to hurt everyone around you, don’t you? You want them to feel pain when they think about you. Despicable. Just disappear. No one will miss you and everyone will be better off. That’s the one good thing you can actually do for the world. _

But Flynn was like a warm fire in the middle of a frigid winter night, and Yuri couldn’t make himself move away. 

_ I want him here. I want to be here with him. Is that really too much to ask? _

_ Probably… _

Something touched Yuri’s wrist, and he opened his eyes to see Flynn’s fingers resting there.

_ Push him away. Do it. Ruin everything you have left. _

Yuri didn’t move an inch.

“I’m sorry, Yuri,” Flynn sobbed quietly. “I can’t stop thinking about seeing you— with all that blood— God, I thought you were dead, and— and nothing’s ever hurt so much before. I can’t—” He shook his head and took a couple gasping breaths. “I’ve been trying to understand, but I can’t. I can’t understand it and I’m so fucking  _ scared. _ Yuri, why did you  _ do _ that to yourself?”

Yuri’s vision blurred and a new rush of hot tears escaped him. After a moment, he heard himself reply, “I wanted to.”

Flynn cried harder, and Yuri didn’t dare look up. He’d never heard Flynn cry quite like this before, and it unnerved him. The fingers on his wrist curled around it and held tight.

“How—” Flynn shook his head. “How can you say that?”

Yuri almost laughed. As if he could explain it to Flynn. As if it would make sense outside of his own head. “It’s what I deserved,” he said far too lightly.

“What?”

“I don’t deserve to live,” Yuri said with a shrug and a faint chuckle.

“What the hell are you  _ saying, _ Yuri!?”

_ Stop talking. Stop talking. _

Yuri’s throat tightened as he smiled. “That’s just the truth.”

Flynn grabbed both of his arms, but Yuri didn’t look up. “No, it’s not! Where did you even get that idea!?”

“Never mind,” Yuri mumbled, shaking his head.

“No!”

_ Why did I have to say anything? _

“Never mind,” Yuri repeated a little more loudly.

“This isn’t a ‘never mind’ situation, Yuri!” Flynn was yelling now. “You tried to kill yourself, and you think I’m going to accept ‘never mind’ as an explanation!?”

Yuri tried to get up from the bed, but Flynn had him pinned on his stomach in the blink of an eye. Flynn’s hold felt gentler than usual, like he was afraid of hurting Yuri, but it remained unyielding to his attempts to escape. Finally, Yuri turned his head to look up and his stomach knotted itself. He’d never seen Flynn look so terrified in his life.

“What, you think I’m gonna go kill myself right now?” Yuri scoffed.

“Yes, I do!”

Yuri sighed and looked away.

_ “...Were _ you going to?”

Yuri shrugged a shoulder. It wasn’t  _ not _ on the list of possibilities.

“Yuri! Dammit!  _ Dammit!”  _ Flynn was shaking, and tears kept dripping down from his face.

Yuri opened his mouth to speak, but his words caught in his throat and he instead let out a quiet sob. He swallowed hard and tried to breathe evenly. “I’m sorry,” he croaked.

Flynn shut his eyes tight and touched his forehead to Yuri’s shoulder. “What happened to you, Yuri?” he asked, his trembling voice barely above a whisper.

Yuri could only shake his head slightly in response. He didn’t know. He didn’t know how much of himself was actually Yuri and how much was the darkness.

_ It’s all a part of you. _

_ No, it’s not. I didn’t always feel like this. _

Flynn’s hands released their hold so he could cradle Yuri in his arms. Yuri didn’t have the energy to stop him. “Just tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it. Let me fix this, Yuri. Please, I’ll do anything you need me to,” Flynn pleaded. 

“Kill me?” Yuri said. The pit in his stomach sank deeper at the sound of Flynn’s sob and he hated himself a little more.

_ You’re awful. How could you say that to him? You’re terrible. You’re worthless. Worthless. _

_ Worthless. _

_ Worthless. _

“That’s— That’s not you, Yuri. It’s something else saying that. It has to be.”

“And what if it’s not?”

“No, no, it’s something else. You wouldn’t say that,” Flynn said and swallowed hard. “You wouldn’t say that, Yuri.”

“I just said it, didn’t I?”

“No. The Yuri I know wouldn’t ask me to kill him, and I know you better than anyone else,” Flynn insisted.

Yuri didn’t have to look up to know Flynn was getting mad. Maybe he  _ wanted _ to make Flynn mad right now. Maybe he wanted Flynn to shove him away and storm out of the room. Maybe he wanted Flynn to hate him and never forgive him.

No, he didn’t want any of that. He wanted Flynn to hold him and say something to free him from whatever this nightmare was. He wanted Flynn to anchor him into reality until his mind was no longer at war with itself.

Yuri tried to smile, but the corners of his mouth wouldn’t turn up and his vision blurred with fresh tears. “I just want to be okay,” he confessed weakly.

Flynn hugged him fiercely. Yuri loosely wrapped his arms around Flynn’s waist, and Flynn’s hold became painfully tight. His healing wounds stung slightly, but mostly his heart ached. It ached with regret, sorrow, and something else he couldn’t quite place.

He was hurting Flynn, and deep down, he really,  _ really _ didn’t want that.

“You’ll be okay,” Flynn whispered and kissed the side of Yuri’s head. “It’s going to be okay.”

He was so cold, and Flynn was so warm.


	7. Chapter 7

Flynn couldn’t understand what it was exactly he was fighting against, but it made a world of difference to know Yuri was fighting it alongside him. They were a team again. 

They’d reached a turning point of sorts, and little by little, each day became easier. That wasn’t to say things were easy by any means. Flynn would catch Yuri reaching for the blastia in his back with a glazed expression, but it didn’t take too much to bring Yuri back from whatever dark place his mind had wandered into. And even if they bickered more than before, Yuri would actually show affection beyond allowing himself to be dragged into hugs, and that was enough to carry Flynn through even the worst moments.

Best of all, Yuri actually smiled again. They were rare and subtle smiles, but they were  _ real. _ They were real, they were beautiful, and Flynn’s heart would practically soar out of his chest every single time he saw one.

“What’re you grinning about?” Yuri asked while they were washing dishes after lunch one day. Almost two weeks had passed since his procedure and he no longer had to spend a majority of his time sleeping. He was still thinner than Flynn liked, but it was hard to quickly fatten someone up in a place like the Lower Quarter.

“You want an honest answer?” Flynn asked.

Yuri snorted. “No, I asked because I want you to lie to me,” he replied sarcastically.  _ “Yes, _ moron.”

Flynn stifled a giggle. Yuri hadn’t called him a moron in ages, and it felt good to hear the insult again. “You,” he answered. “I’m grinning about you.”

“That’s stupid,” Yuri replied, though Flynn didn’t miss the slight smile.

_ “You’re _ stupid,” Flynn said and flung droplets of soapy water at Yuri. As soon as he did, Yuri snapped the dish towel and smacked Flynn’s side with it.  _ “Ow— _ Hey!”

Flynn dunked his hands into the water, then turned and stuck them both under Yuri’s shirt, grabbing his sides. Yuri jumped in surprise and tried to retaliate with a headlock, but he hadn’t regained enough strength yet for the maneuver to work. Flynn pinned Yuri back against the kitchen counter, and suddenly that rush of attraction he’d been stubbornly resisting returned. They were practically nose to nose and neither could pull away from the other’s hold. Flynn’s heart was racing, Yuri’s breath was uneven, and—

Flynn abruptly let go and took a step back. He was an idiot for pushing Yuri’s physical limits like this. “Sorry, got a little carried away,” he said and returned to washing dishes. “I can finish the rest if you want to go lie down.”

Yuri tugged his shirt back down and walked out of the kitchen without another word, and Flynn could have sworn he looked disappointed. Then again, why wouldn’t Yuri be disappointed? Flynn had carelessly reminded Yuri of how much strength he’d lost. Muttering insults to himself, Flynn finished scrubbing the last of the dishes clean and dried off his hands.

When he returned to the bedroom, he found Yuri sitting by the window, though he was staring at the wall with a distant expression on his face. Flynn sat down on the edge of the bed and watched Yuri carefully.

“What’re you thinking about?” he asked Yuri after a moment.

Yuri blinked, then shrugged and looked down at the floor. 

“Obviously something’s up. You’re somewhere else right now, I can tell.”

Yuri only shrugged again. 

Flynn sighed. “Please don’t make me beg until I cry, Yuri. You know I hate that.”

“Better than nothing,” Yuri murmured.

Flynn wasn’t sure he’d heard that right. “Better than nothing? What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked. 

Yuri was wearing that forced smile that did nothing to hide what he was feeling. “What do you think?”

“Don’t make me guess. Please,” Flynn replied, his shoulders sinking. 

Yuri looked out the window and let a long moment pass before responding. “You don’t need to treat me like I’m about to break.”

“But you  _ are,” _ Flynn protested. “You basically broke a dozen times in the past month.  _ More _ than a dozen. I shouldn’t be so careless.”

“I was fine,” Yuri quickly snapped, his voice tight. 

“I pushed you too far. You were getting out of breath.”

Yuri closed his eyes and sighed. Flynn waited, but Yuri didn’t reply. 

“Just tell me what’s wrong,” he said. Getting Yuri to talk was like pulling teeth, but at least it actually worked sometimes. 

Yuri hesitated, but he gave in. “Things finally felt normal again, just for a minute. Guess I’m not allowed to have that.”

“I didn’t think you wanted me to let you win,” Flynn said, crossing his arms.

The fake smile was back on Yuri’s face and he forced out a quiet laugh. “You’re such a fucking idiot, Flynn.”

“So I  _ should _ have let you win, then?” Flynn asked irritably. 

“Just leave me alone.”

Flynn didn’t leave, though. He was determined to solve this problem. “No. Tell me  _ why _ I’m a fucking idiot. You’ve never had a problem doing that before.”

Yuri sighed once again and dropped the smile. “Because… I was perfectly fine right where we were,” he said quietly.

Flynn fell silent, trying to understand Yuri’s cryptic answer.

And then, something clicked.

“Fine,” he said and stood up. “Then let’s go back to where we were.”

Flynn expected Yuri to ignore him, yet he heard footsteps follow him into the kitchen.

Yuri stood by the sink and turned to Flynn. “Fine. Let’s do your dumb idea.”

Before Yuri could do or say anything else to be difficult, Flynn grabbed Yuri’s sides and pushed him back against the counter like before. Even if Yuri tried to hide his surprise, Flynn didn’t miss it.

“Yuri, now—”

Flynn didn’t need to explain any further. Yuri hooked his arm behind Flynn’s neck and pulled him in close. Their eyes locked, though Yuri looked away only a couple seconds later. He was hesitating, drifting back to that place of constant doubt and insecurity Flynn was becoming all too familiar with.

It was now or never. Flynn closed his eyes and leaned in until their lips touched.

Yuri didn’t need Flynn anymore, not like before. If he didn’t want this, he could push Flynn away and stand on his own two feet just fine. He could also just pretend this had never happened the same way he’d never addressed any of Flynn’s bolder displays of affection.

Maybe this had been a bad idea.

Flynn began to draw back, and Yuri pressed forward to keep their lips connected. With that, the gesture had gone from a request to a real kiss.


	8. Chapter 8

_ You don’t deserve this, Yuri. _

_ That’s right. I don’t deserve anything. _

Yuri suddenly let go and turned his head away. “Sorry,” he said hoarsely.

“Sorry?” Flynn repeated, his voice tinged with disbelief. “Yuri, there’s nothing to be sorry about.”

Yuri forced a smile and refused to look Flynn in the eye. “I’m being stupid.”

Flynn shook his head. He placed his hands on either side of Yuri’s face with a touch so gentle that it made Yuri’s heart ache. “No, no, you’re not. I started this, anyway. If anyone’s being stupid, it’s me.”

“Fine. Then I’m being selfish,” Yuri sighed.

Flynn sighed as well, though in frustration. “Whatever your logic is right now, I’m not following.”

“I’m only holding you back.”

“No, you’re not.”

_ Yes, I am. _

Yuri didn’t reply. Flynn forced Yuri to face him with more strength than he could resist, but he continued to avert his eyes.

“No, you’re not, Yuri,” Flynn repeated firmly.

_ I’ll only ever drag you down, and we both know it. _

“Yuri, look at me.”

Yuri stubbornly looked up at the ceiling.

Flynn sighed again, but continued. “Yuri, you’re wandering off again. Come back, please. You  _ know _ what you said isn’t true.”

“You’d probably be on your way to another promotion by now.”

“The knights will still be there when I’m ready to go back,” Flynn said.

“You mean when  _ I’m _ ready for you to go back?” Yuri scoffed.

“No,” Flynn replied sternly. “I’m here because I  _ want _ to be.”

“And you want to be here because I’m fucked up and broken?”

“You’re not—” Flynn sighed once again, then touched his forehead to Yuri’s. “I don’t doubt for a second that you’d do the same for me.”

Yuri closed his eyes. “You think I’m so much better than I really am.”

“I know you better than yourself right now, Yuri. And I  _ know _ you’d be right there if I needed help. So let me help you.”

_ See? You’re only dragging him down. _

Yuri forced out a quiet laugh. “It’d probably be better for everyone if I was dead, huh?”

“If you could put up a proper fight right now, I’d punch you right in the fucking face,” Flynn growled.

Yuri opened his eyes and was surprised to see Flynn’s livid expression inches from his face. “Maybe you should,” he challenged just to be difficult.

“Don’t tempt me.”

“While you’re at it, you could just kill—”

_ “Stop it, Yuri!” _

Flynn gripped Yuri’s shoulders tightly, and Yuri forgot to look away.

“Don’t you understand!? When I thought you were dead, I couldn’t even  _ function _ properly!” Flynn shouted. “You think you’re the selfish one? Even when you were begging for death, I refused to let you die! And I did it for myself! Why? Because I love you more than anything in this mess of a world! So don’t you  _ dare _ leave me behind, Yuri. I’d never forgive you if you did.”

Yuri didn’t know what to say to that. He took a shaky breath, then another, and his vision blurred. Flynn pulled him into a tight embrace, and he began to cry against Flynn’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Yuri,” Flynn said, his voice gentle again. “I’m sorry I’m asking you to live through your pain, but I need you, and that’s the truth.”

“But…”

Flynn hugged him tighter. “No, there’s no arguing about it. That’s how I feel, and you can’t change my mind. I love you. I love you, and losing you is the worst thing I can imagine. I  _ did _ lose you, and I don’t think I ever could’ve moved on. I’d spend the rest of my life wondering what I did wrong.”

The darkness still loomed, but Yuri could step away from it now, at least for a moment. Slowly, he slipped his arms around Flynn’s waist and returned the embrace. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he murmured.

“It  _ feels _ like I did, though.” Flynn’s voice cracked. “I should’ve come home as soon as Hanks said something was wrong. I’m so sorry.”

“You couldn’t have known.”

“I should’ve.”

“Flynn…”

Flynn let out a shaky exhale. “I just thought you’d always be fine, no matter where you ended up. I don’t know, maybe a stupid part of me believed you were somehow invincible. You’ve always been a stronger person than me.”

Yuri scoffed quietly. “No, you’ve always been the stronger one, especially now.”

“No,  _ you.” _ Flynn protested.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

_ “Yes,” _ Flynn argued, then laughed a little. “Hey… Promise you’ll always be around to pick stupid fights with me? Please?”

Yuri couldn’t help but smile just a little at the sound of Flynn’s quiet laughter. “I’ll try,” he replied, feeling more sure of himself than he had in months. He wasn’t stuck at the bottom of this pit anymore. Flynn had helped him find footholds every time he felt stuck or slipped back down, and now he could actually see a glimmer of light somewhere high above him.

_ You’re right, Flynn. I would’ve done the same for you. _

For once, the voice in his head had nothing to say.

Flynn kissed Yuri’s cheek and squeezed him tightly. “Thank you, Yuri,” he whispered. “Thank you.”


End file.
